Brokenness: A Hard Place

How many of you are familiar with the story in the Bible of the woman whose living baby was stolen from her and replaced by the other woman’s dead baby? Solomon was known for his God-given wisdom. He heard the case and prescribed a solution, thus revealing who the true mother was.  Scripture reference: I Kings 3:16-28

Note:

My circumstances are very different from the story itself, but its application as an analogy is relevant and in no way is intended to infer that a house/driveway is equal to the value of the life of a precious child. I believe the Holy Spirit showed me this analogy this afternoon as a tool to help me take a step closer to being at peace in the midst of a trying situation. 

Please bear with me as I explain.

I live in the house I purchased a little more than ten years ago. I knew when I first saw it, that God had led me to it. The interior colors and the decor were perfect for me. The little architectural elements inside, two rooms with window seats, a little white picket fence around the back patio, a small redwood deck, and a small screened in porch on the front were like icing on the cake. I am sure the price was a bit high when I bought it, but time was not on my side. I only had a few short weeks to find a place and get all my stuff moved. 

Sure, it had and still has its share of problems, but what place doesn't? I knew this house was meant to be a place of healing for me following a second divorce and the pain of so many broken promises.

Up until a year and-a-half ago, I have always been blessed with great neighbors who were courteous, considerate, and respectful. Things began to change after the recent renters moved in and in a very unpleasant way. 

Some do not and will not understand my frustration about the circumstances, but others do and will. To some it may seem like something not even worth being upset about. To others, you can relate…you have been there, too.

The first few months after the neighbors and their three girls moved in, things were pretty quiet and alright. I rarely ever saw them. One day, I made it a point to say hello and introduce myself, hoping that we, too, would have a pleasant neighborly experience. Guess it was not meant to be. At least, not yet. There is still hope. Things could get better.

Just a few months later, after the sister and her three girls moved in with them, things started to go awry: trespassing, stealing, tearing up property (mine included), and a number of other things that were plain and simply wrong. Not just a few of the children, but all of them participated in this kind of behavior.

I spoke with the parents. The behaviors continued. I decided to talk to the girls themselves when I saw them doing these things. Time after time, I took a deep breathe, considered what I would say, and how best to explain it to them. The girls listened and continued to come over and talk to me when they saw me outside.  They began to ask for permission to come in if Bella and I were sitting on the patio. That was a start. Maybe there is hope.

A neighbor on the other corner told me I was being too nice about the problems. My goal, however, was to be kind…you know, the “honey that catches the fly” thing; do good to your enemies, to be a good witness. Thought injected here: I look back now and wonder how much of my thinking might have been rooted in measure of unrecognized pride.  

Unfortunately, my continued kindness didn't accomplish as much good as I had hoped. Many of the bad behaviors continued. The parents ignored it. The circumstances got worse. It got to the point, that when I went out-of-town to visit my family, I did not look forward to coming back home.

To top it off, the behavior of the two moms began to change towards me – they both became very hateful and began refusing to allow the girls to come over and talk with me. It got worse than that. They (the neighbor, her sister, and her other family members) decided that they had every right to take over my driveway and start parking so that my family, friends, and I no longer had full use or access to my side.

The sister who had moved in with them was the first to strongly and aggressively approach me and tell me that since it was considered a “shared” driveway, that they decided I did not have enough company often enough to need access to my side of the driveway and I should allow them to park wherever, however they wanted, for however long they wanted!

Oh, wow!  That stirred up plenty of angry feelings. How dare her! I was not feeling at all kind or neighborly at that point. Thankfully, the Holy Spirit kept the worst of my inner reaction in check as I matter-of-factly replied and walked away.

Ok, at this point, you may be saying, thinking, or wondering, why this has and is bothering me so much. Why didn’t I just let it go?

For the record, I had prayed and am still praying for myself, for God’s will and purpose to be revealed, and I am praying that the Lord will bless these neighbors and make Himself known to them, even though praying that particular part of the prayer is not at all easy, but is an act of obedience – my heart and emotions still have a ways to go.

I have tried so many times over the past year to put this issue on the altar. I have tried to “let it go,” but have not yet been able to do so.  I speak scripture, pray over the property, ask God to defend and protect both me and my property (which is really His anyway). I have taken authority over the enemy. Consciously reminded myself to put on the armor that God has provided for us, that our fight (my fight) is not with flesh and blood, but with principalities and powers and rulers of darkness (see Ephesians 6:12).

The struggle and the dissonance in a relationship turned sour is painful and troubling to me. I want to live in peace with my neighbors, Yes, I have complained and grumbled so much along the way, to the point that I am ashamed of myself….my mind just could not wrap around and make sense of what I was seeing and experiencing at the hands of these neighbors.

My mind desires, almost needs to be able to understand the why of things….that’s not always possible, though, until later down the road, and sometimes, not even then. I talk it out hoping it will begin to make some sense. And, I guess, in part, thinking, hoping  maybe someone will say something that will help make it easier for me to fast-forward through the process.

I cannot tell you why, but it takes me a long time (always has) to be truly able to let go and come to the place where my own heart and mind are at peace when I do not understand why some things happen the way they do. It just seems to be that way.

Last Thanksgiving, I was expecting company, and once again, the car was deliberately parked so that no one could enter the driveway. In fact, she had left and returned several times, parking in the same place. I kept hoping her conscience would kick in and she would move the car. She did not.

So, in spite of the pain and nausea I was experiencing, I decided to personally address the issue one more time. When I mentioned how she was parked, and that she really should not be blocking the drive, she lit into me, yelling that the landlord had told her it was shared and therefore that meant that she had the right to park anyway she wanted to park! I was shaking with adrenaline, kept as cool as possible, but definitely raised my voice as well, telling her, as I stepped back, that next time, I would simply call the police. She ordered me off her property and slammed the door.

A few days later I called the landlord and he immediately asked if I was having trouble with the renters again. I said yes and asked him to come by and visit with me about it. I never heard back from him and I never called him back. For a short time, it seemed as if he might have talked to them, then that aggressive and defiant pattern started again.

Now, approximately 4 months later, I cannot tell you how many times I have wrestled with myself and ended up talking myself out of following through with calling the police, still holding on to the hope that I could resolve this thing in myself. And, that by not making that call, I was convincing myself that was the best choice because I was extending grace and mercy to the neighbors. The trouble is, I was only kidding myself. I could not resolve it within my heart and the problem was not going away.

Monday, March 31, 2014. I am standing in the grass near the edge of the driveway with my back to it while Bella is taking care of her business. All of a sudden, I am startled by the sound behind me and its proximity to me. I turn just in time to see her drive just inches from me, make a quick sharp turn to the right, and pull in front of their house. I am too stunned to be angry. In fact, my heart breaks. I am sad, filled with compassion, because her daughters had to witness such behavior from their mom.

I shake my head in disbelief as I encourage Bella, who is now quite distracted to finish up. I look up as I head back to the house, the girls quickly turn away and run out of sight. I think I am in a state of shock, at least disbelief, that this really happened. Then, a memory comes back to me: this is not the first time this woman has used her car to try to intimidate me.

 

No one else was around to see it happen. Only them, me, and the Lord. I pray for them and thank the Lord that he kept her from losing control of the car as she accelerated on that left-over gravel in the drive from when we had the snow and ice.

It May Have Been April Fool’s Day, but it was no April Fool’s Joke

Tuesday was the proverbial last straw. She chose to park and block the driveway. It was clear to me that she parked there in a blatant attempt to further bully me after the Monday afternoon incident and to “send me a message.”  I called the police department and explained what had been going on but chose not to mention the Monday incident. After all, it would only be my word against hers. The dispatcher was very kind and sent an officer right out. He went over talked to the neighbor first, then came and visited with me.

Backtrack a moment: Since the first incident with the sister about driveway courtesies (or lack thereof), I began researching ordinances, definitions, and issues related to “shared” drives, made lots of calls to people who might be involved in the process of resolution, and made notes. Here is what I found out:

1. Independence (like many other towns and cities) does not have any ordinances or laws in place governing the use and responsibilities of landowners/tenants in regard to shared driveways.

2. You can call the police and they will send an officer to talk to the party who is causing the problem and they can ask them to move the vehicle and exercise some consideration for the other neighbor’s use. That is all.

3. It is considered a civil matter. Therefore, in order to proceed to gain a more permanent and lawful judgment and right to use one’s property that is part of a “shared” situation, one must hire a civil attorney, pay for a legal survey, and go to court. The cost of the residential survey alone can range from a minimum of $4,000 to as much or more than $10,000. That’s expensive!

However, even if I could afford to take this action, I do not believe in my heart that this is the appropriate route to take. It is not what God wants me to do.

When hearing that officer tell me that the property line recorded by the Register of Deeds was irrelevant in this case, and not even charges of trespassing could be made, I felt crushed. I asked him about harassment – he said the neighbor’s actions did not fit the specified definitions.

I can’t explain the utter sense of total helplessness and brokenness that I felt at that moment as the reality of his words hit me:  aside from God’s intervention in some way, I am totally at the mercy of my neighbor’s choices and actions. My property is not my own. As soon as he left, I wept.

I knew before today that only God could work out this problem. That knowing became much more real to me at that moment. I know God can work all things together for our good, my good and I know He will. How that will happen is up to Him and my submission to His perfect Will. It is yet to be revealed.

I know, too,  that many times throughout scripture we are shown another analogy: the crushing of the grape, the crushing or bruising of a particular type of flower to bring forth the beauty of its fragrance. Jesus Himself was “pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.” Isaiah 53:5, NIV

Shortly after the officer left yesterday, a dear friend called. I was in tears. She listened with compassion as I shared what happened and prayed for me and with me, taking authority over the power of the enemy.

For awhile, I had peace. I went to bed. My mind was bombarded. I wrestled and prayed into the early morning hours. I spoke the Word. I finally drifted off to sleep.

Now, to make the connection to the aforementioned mother and Solomon’s wisdom:                   what the Lord showed me this afternoon

The woman stated her case: her live baby had been taken by the other woman and replaced with the other woman’s dead baby. The other woman insisted that wasn't true. Solomon said: Ok, then, let’s cut the baby in half and give half to one and half to the other. One mother cried out, “NOOOO” let her have the live baby. Immediately, Solomon knew who the real mother was and ordered the living child returned to its rightful mother.

That is how I felt about the driveway and my rights to my property. I have a deep-seated sense that if this were taken to court, we would both lose. Like the real mother, I would rather sacrifice my right, than risk that loss.

I write this now with heavy heart, not bragging or with intention to cause harm or hateful thoughts about anyone else. I have had more than enough of those myself towards them. It is time for forgiveness and healing to come from the brokenness. Then beauty comes.

Here is another of my original poems composed May 17, 2011. I think it’s a fitting way to close this blog post…

Hope for the Wounded Heart

Wearied by the depth of pain

Wearied by the lack of rain

  

Desperate for a loving touch

Desperate for the Savior’s Love

To rain upon the brokenness

To rain upon the shattered soul

Redeeming Hope

Redeeming Love

Raining from the Saviors Throne

Birthing Life

Birthing Hope

As He restores

The Wounded Heart.