Yes, it’s a bit risky to put myself out here like I am about to
do, but how else can others relate if we are not honest and willing to be
transparent. Now, I’m not talking about sharing every thing that comes our way,
but there are times when it behooves us to share aspects of our experiences
that can serve as sources of encouragement to others and to show that even
though we belong to and serve a Heavenly Father who is perfect and calls us to
be perfect as He is perfect, we live in this human body and are subjected to
emotional, physical, and psychological darts. Who am I kidding….sometimes those
darts feel more like spears or bombshells!
There are times when it is needful or beneficial for us to walk
through trouble, through trials, through the hard stuff. Then, there are times
when we need to retreat, rethink, and refresh, to take time to rest, reassess,
and reevaluate. Like soldiers engaged in battle, it is important for us to be
able to discern and understand the nature of where we are at and what strategy will
be most effective. Sometimes, it is needful to take time to sit at Jesus’ feet and
wait on His instruction. Sometimes, He gives us instruction in the midst of
battle engagement. Wisdom instructs us as to the best method of action.
However, we sometimes get so engrossed in the circumstances; we tend
to lose sight of where our help comes from. Oh, deep down within our hearts, we
still know where our help comes from, but the nature and intensity of the
battle distracts us. Sometimes we mess up. Sometimes we slip. Sometimes we
fall. Much to my chagrin, I admit that I don’t always consciously remember to
put on or effectively use my spiritual armor (Ephesians 6:10-18).
With the exception of a few days here and there, the past several
weeks have been, quite frankly, “the pits.” The intensity of the Fibro, the
arthritis, and the allergies interspersed with various degrees of migraines and
nausea have shown little hope of easing. The grip tightens. Restful sleep is
often elusive. Fatigue increases. Weariness takes hold. Frustration sets in. It’s
even hard to pray. I saw a Facebook post recently that posed the question: Do
you ever hurt so much that you cannot pray, that all you can manage to say is
help? Yes. I have. I am there. Or, as of today, I can say I was there.
Mix all of those ingredients together with the full impact of numerous other changes that have taken place over
the past three months, and you (in this case me, in particular) have a recipe
for potential disaster. The disaster victim: My Attitude. It headed downhill. Fast. Like the downside
of a roller coaster ride. Humph - I never did have an affinity for roller
coasters. Or, maybe it was more like the result of a snowball that gets bigger
and bigger as it rolls downhill – it knocks you down and engulfs you. Or, maybe
it was more like a big wave you don’t see coming or you misjudge the speed of
its approach thinking you will get out of its way in time – you don’t - it takes
you under.
Anyway, I think you get the picture. I began to feel overwhelmed
by the combination of the pain and the way those changes affected my life. I
thought I had handled the changes pretty well and was adjusting. Guess not. I
am one who doesn't adapt well to change right away and it does take time for me
to process it and find my new comfort zone. And, with some changes, loss occurs
so there might be a need to allow for some time to grieve. I hadn't fully
realized the depth of loss I felt because of those changes. I hadn't allowed myself to travel that road.
Yet. Then it happened. I came face to
face with it. Sadness and loneliness flooded my state of being. I was already
frustrated and cranky!
And, wouldn't you know it, just to further complicate matters, Bella,
my darling little long-haired Chihuahua, decides it’s time to implement Alpha
Dog mode – that’s her “my way or no way” and “I have no intention of minding
you or cooperating with you” attitude! “Sigh” So, a bit of behavioral re-training
was necessary and her mesh-window carrier became her place for time-out. Then,
I felt bad for having to scold her and put her in solitary confinement. Mentally
beating myself up over that, I quickly captured those thoughts and put them
into their proper perspective. Why couldn't I seem to do that with all these
other emotions that were bombarding me?
Moving on - Certain people might say I just needed a good swift
kick, so to speak, to catapult me out of the dumps. Some might say that I
should “just get over it,” “shake it off,” pull myself up by own bootstraps. Others
might pat me on the shoulder and say it’s okay; you deserve to have a pity
party from time to time. And there are those who would have lovingly reminded
me of what I needed to hear: to cast down imaginations, and every high thing
that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, and bring into captivity every
thought to the obedience of Christ” (II Corinthians 10:5). That is what I
should have done. Did I think to do that? No. So….what did I choose to do? Well,
I chose option #3. I was the ultimate
guest at my own pity party. Odd thing about those types of parties, they really
only make you feel worse, not better – they only create a bigger emotional
hangover and they provide more fodder for Satan to guilt you with.
After a few days of this, I was tired of this scenario. To make
matters worse, I was quite unhappy with myself for allowing myself to be lured
there in the first place. I appealed to the Lord, asking His forgiveness and
help just like David so often did when he messed up or was in a hard place (he
and others wrote some beautiful Psalms expressing the full range of their
emotions in the midst of their circumstances and we are blessed to have them,
not for self-justification, but as our examples of hope and encouragement). These
Psalms may start out expressing anger, pain, shame, sorrow, etc., but always
come back to praising and worshiping the Lord in the midst of whatever is
happening. Psalm 91 came to mind and I began to meditate on the first few
verses about finding shelter in the secret place of the Most High….it was a
start…I still had a ways to go to get where I should be, where I needed to be,
where I wanted to be.
By Friday evening, I decided to read through a couple of email
updates I had received from a friend regarding her up-coming mission trip to
Egypt. I hit reply to thank her for the updates and then began to empty out
some of my frustrations on the page. (We often share with one another for the
purpose of prayer and encouragement. That is an important function of the body
of Christ. In fact, it is not unusual for the two of us, when we compare notes,
to be experiencing circumstances related to similar themes.) By the time I
finished typing, I realized I had another composition in the works for my
notebook and this blog! And, it was another step upward, on my way out of that
pit. My friend called me Saturday evening and we had a great visit. Yes, she
too had been battling some similar things. We talked about that and then about
the spiritual application inherent in our trials and testing which was part of
my email reply to her. As I felt that flicker of joy, hope, and strength rise
up in my spirit while composing it, she said she felt joy rise up as she read
it.
Here is part of what I
shared with my friend and what the Holy Spirit showed me concerning this most
recent battle:
Lately, I have been getting more
frustrated and even angry with myself because of my reactions to the emotional
upheaval of the pain and prolonged days of such limited function, then feeling
like I am falling so short of where I should be in my walk with the Lord, or even where I was when this first became so
debilitating.
Then, added to that are all the other changes over the past 2-3
months - it's overwhelming.
But, I know He's taking me, taking us, into
new territory, and new territory means reinforcement of (testing and applying)
what we already have learned and know as well as learning and understanding new
things. It's a time of more stripping, more stretching, of our roots going down
deeper, of our faith becoming deeper and stronger: a time of pruning and growth
and greater fruitfulness.
Oh the joy of being a recipient of our
Father's love, His mercy and forgiveness, His grace and long-suffering. Time
after time He reaches down in Love, reassuring and confirming me, reassuring
and confirming us, as a loving parent loves and reaffirms a child.
Sometimes I am a warrior. Sometimes I am a
child.
"... even soldiers need a quiet place to
rest" ... "The Warrior is a Child" by Twila Paris.
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